International German Beard and Moustache Championships

Once a year our lives are blessed by the competition of all competitions, the International German Beard and Moustache Championships. Through pictures, we follow these athletes year round preparing for the big competition but we rarely get to hear what they have to say. Well BAM (beard and moustache) fans, lucky for you, I flew down to Germany this year and interviewed three of the "heavyweights." Enjoy.

Hans Gassner


Ben: Hans, you are looking good this year.
Hans: Thank you Ben.
Ben: Why do you participate in the competition every year?
Hans: I'm sorry?
Ben: I said, why do you participate in the competition every year?
Hans: No one has ever asked me that before...I don't know.
Ben: Oh.
Hans: Why the fuck do I do this?
Ben: I don't know for notoriety and respect?
Hans: How much respect do you have for 60+ year old men that grow their beards out all year so they can wax them in ridiculous formations for a stupid competition that no one knows about?
Ben: Well...
Hans: And, I've never won before, so I'm just a crazy bearded loser. Ben, how much respect do you have for crazy bearded losers?
Ben: I respect you.
Hans: Fuck off! Respect these nuts! You aren't even going to remember me. You are going to remember the show boating fuck that made his beard look like a Bud Light bottle.
Ben: C'mon Hans, calm down.
Hans: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!(Hans takes the lav microphone out of his beard and storms off)

Willi Chevalier


Ben: Willi, I love what you've done for this year's Beard and Moustache Championships.
Willi: This years what?
Ben: Beard and moustache championships.
Willi: Never heard of it.
Ben: So your beard is like this every day of the year?
Willi: GET OFF MY PORCH JEW!!!
(Willi picks up his gun and shoots at Ben. For the next 45 minutes Willi chases Ben around his house while the music from Benny Hill plays in the background.)

Elmar Weiss


Ben: Elmar, you look fantastic. You managed to turn your beard into a windmill!
Elmar: That's right Ben, my beard generates the energy it takes to make me smile.
Ben: Haha, very cute Elmar.
Elmar: Haha, I wish there was something cute about it but when this things not turning, it's like I'm a totally different person.
Ben: Haha, you are a riot Elmar.
(The wind stops)
Elmar: If I was going to kill you, I would cut from the neck down, that way the rest of your body would be stained with blood while I was deciding what to cut next.
Ben: Elmar?
Elmar: I would then take your beaten blood stained corpse and stick my hard cock in the incisions making your body spew blood all over my balls while I fucked it.
Ben:...
(Elmar takes a knife out of his beard)
Elmar: C'mon pussy, you wanna get cut fucked by King Elmar?
Ben:...
(Wind picks up again)
Elmar: Can I say hello to my grandkids Eleanor and Michael?
Ben:...
Elmar: Poppy loves you guys, don't stay up too late. Kisses.

Just a little under 365 days till next year's BAM championships.