MY ESSAY IN ESPN THE MAGAZINE

ESPN the magazine contacted some of the actors from Mayne Street for essays on what it was like working on the show.

The stories are running in this week's NBA preview issue.  My original submission was far too long for the magazine's layout, so they made me cut it in half.  But, thanks to the internet, I can copy and paste my original essay right here.  Notice how my piece doesn't promote or teach you anything about the show. Enjoy!

KENNY MAYNE

by Ben Schwartz

Upon getting hired for Mayne Street, my purpose was clear.  I was to find an answer to the question that has haunted sports fans for years. Is Kenny Mayne a robot?

Like an android fox, KMayne played the game well. He concealed his red terminator eyes with Oakley shades, attributed his mechanical walking to sports injuries and played his monotone voice off as “dry wit.”  But even the slyest of android foxes make mistakes. Kenny would use ancient terms like “tackle football” exposing his poorly updated robot dictionary and on August 5^th he made the biggest mistake of all…he mistook me for a friend.

The cast invited Kenny for a swim down at ol’ Bristol Lake. He adamantly declined. With a friendly smile I shouted, “Don’t worry, the lake won’t rust your robot joints.” Kenny replied, “Really?”  There was silence.  Everyone stared.  It was over, we sports fans had found our answer.  Kenny’s feet turned into rockets and he flew away for eternity.

Now, in this Mayne-less world, I find myself watching Sportscenter blankly. Oftentimes I look up at the sky and reminisce about Kenny.  I guess some questions are better left unanswered.

Mayne Street premieres November 11th on ESPN.COM.