Rejected Jokes

Handicap Suicide

2008-05-04T21:51:00.007-04:00

Last Thursday, in honor of finals week, CollegeHumor pulled an all-nighter with its fans and attempted to make ten short films in twelve hours. I stopped by the office at 1:30AM and alongside David Fishel, Amir Blumenfeld and Sam Reich hoped to aid in the quest to ten. All we had was a wheelchair, fifteen minutes and a dream.

Handicap Suicide

Here it is in higher quality.

Along with the short films, CH set up a live video feed throughout the night to chat with fans and give away free prizes. In an awesome example of the die hard fans CollegeHumor has, when I sat down at 3:30AM to mess around on the live feed there were still over 2,500 members online chatting, asking questions and ordering people to put shoes on their heads.

It was a great night for CH, they finished all ten shorts, gave away a bunch of free stuff and interacted with thousands of fans. When I got home at 4am, I found myself going back online to watch the live feed for another hour before going to bed. A big thank you to CollegeHumor for letting me play around.

Teddy Saw and Bronx World Travelers now on YouTube

2008-04-30T11:03:00.003-04:00

SuperDeluxe has uploaded my videos Teddy Saw and Bronx World Travelers: Press Conference on YouTube. Now people can embed the files on different websites without the quality getting messed up. Hooray!

Warning: For those who have never seen Teddy Saw...be warned, it's the most fucked up short film I've ever done.

Teddy Saw

Bronx World Travelers: Press Conference

Bronx World Travelers - Episode 4 - Street Legend

2008-04-24T11:55:00.006-04:00

After a nine month hiatus, the Webby nominated series Bronx World Travelers makes its triumphant return with Episode 4 - Street Legend. The embedded player really doesn't do the picture quality justice, so please, click on the link below the video to see the short in the preferred higher resolution.

Click here to see the short in Higher Resolution.

Here are the first three episodes of Bronx World Travelers.
Episode 1 - Press Conference (with Rob Riggle)*
Episode 2 - Orientation Video
Episode 3 - The Game

*Episode 1 - Press Conference was nominated for two Webby Awards - Best Writing and Best Short of the Year.

Cast
Washington Colonel #1 Ben - Ben Schwartz
Glider - Bobby Moynihan
Bronx World Traveler #20 Eugene - Eugene Cordero
Fan - Jordan Hall

Everything Else
Director - Ben Schwartz/Vincent Peone
Director of Photography - Vincent Peone
Production Manager - Jordan Hall
Editor - David Fishel
Sound - Kurt Seery
Song during montage - Hipsters by Bellevue's Finest

A Winner is Me...Again! - 4/20 Edition

2008-04-21T00:09:00.006-04:00

In honor of 4/20, CollegeHumor writer Jeff Rubin invited me and two editors from the actual High Times Magazine to play some of the most mind expanding video games of all time.

To go along with the 4/20 theme, here are CollegeHumor's High Times Editorial Office shorts. I play the boss, Hegie.

High Times Editorial Office Episode 1 - High Times Editorial Office
High Times Editorial Office Episode 2 - Chicken Nuggets
High Times Editorial Office Episode 3 - Mad as Hell

Assorted Jelly Beans - Debate

2008-04-16T14:24:00.003-04:00

Here is the first installment of Assorted Jelly Beans written by myself and brilliantly illustrated by Steve Dressler.

Debate

Bronx World Travelers Receives Two Webby Nominations - Best Writing and Best Short Film of the Year!

2008-04-10T13:09:00.009-04:00

My short film, Bronx World Travelers: Press Conference has been nominated for two Webby Awards! "Awesome! What's a Webby Award?" Great question and thank you for being so into it without being sure what it was. With the help of copy and pasting, I shall explain -

"The Webby Awards is the leading international award honoring excellence on the Internet. Established in 1996 during the Web's infancy, the Webbys are presented by The International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, a 550-member body of leading Web experts, business figures, luminaries, visionaries and creative celebrities."

Bronx World Travelers was nominated for Best Writing and Best Comedy Short of the Year. The competition is nothing short of ridiculous. Here is the complete list of Online Film and Video Nominees.

Here is the nominated short -
Bronx World Travelers: Press Conference

In Best Writing I'm up against U.S. News and World Report, IFC and The Onion. That's like a series of King Kongs fighting a poorly rested Curious George. In Comedy: Individual Short or Episode I'm up against CollegeHumor and The Onion. Again, it's like two T-Rexes against a wounded depressed duckling without his prozac. Either way, I'm unbelievably happy and honored to be nominated.

They give a "People's Voice" award in each of the categories, so if you want to vote for the little engine that could, register and vote here.

Assorted Jelly Beans

2008-04-08T00:12:00.005-04:00

Along with the help of artistic mastermind Steve Dressler, I am experimenting with a new segment on RejectedJokes called Assorted Jelly Beans.

A rotting diabetic corpse lay beneath the colorful beans.

Assorted Jelly Beans is a one panel comic written by me and brilliantly illustrated by Steve. Although not nearly as genius, when it works well you should see influences from the Far Side and Robot Chicken. We'll be experimenting with styles at the beginning to see what works and what doesn't but if you dig it, let us know and we'll make some more.

Just When You Thought It Was Safe

2008-04-03T10:55:00.004-04:00

New episodes coming soon.

The Complete Top Ten Rejected Joke Video List

2008-03-25T00:24:00.007-04:00

Here is the complete top ten rejected joke video list. You can learn more about each set of jokes by clicking on the title above each video. If you have no patience, scroll down to the bottom of the post and watch them from the best (#1) to the "almost the best." The videos include special guests Seth Green, Frank Whaley, Rob Corddry, Rob Riggle, Samm Levine, Matt Walsh, Efren Ramirez and Nick Kroll.

Honorable Mention
April '07, Week 4 with Nick Kroll (Cavemen, Best Week Ever)

Number 10
February '07, Week 3 with Seth Green (Family Guy, Robot Chicken, Austin Powers)

Number 9
August, '06, Week 2 with Efren Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite)

Number 8
December, '06, Week 1

Number 7
January '07, Week 2

Number 6
September '06, Week 2 with Matt Walsh (Upright Citizens Brigade)

Number 5
July '06, Week 3 with Rob Corddry (Daily Show with Jon Stewart)

Number 4
November '06, Week 4 with Frank Whaley (Swimming with Sharks, Pulp Fiction)

Number 3
January '07, Week 3

Number 2
December '06, Week 4 with Samm Levine (Freaks and Geeks)

Number 1
October '06, Week 4 with Rob Riggle (Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Saturday Night Live)

ESPN Commercial - The Poser

2008-03-20T00:00:00.003-04:00

I play the poser in this ESPN commercial directed by the insanely talented Bob Odenkirk. It's a part of this campaign ESPN is putting together for March Madness called The Bracketologists. There is even a creepy option that allows you to send voicemails of me telling people how to pick their brackets...so...fear that.

Number 1 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-03-17T20:46:00.008-04:00

Number 1 -

October '06, Week 4 featuring Rob Riggle (Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Saturday Night Live)

Rob Riggle is hilarious in this set of jokes. A few months after we shot this, Rob was nice enough to act in another short film I wrote entitled Bronx World Travelers. He plays a coach who has just lost 125 games in a row to the Bronx World Travelers (Harlem Globetrotters).

Bronx World Travelers - Episode 1 - Press Conference

So that's it...those are my top ten favorite rejected joke videos. If you have four hours to spare, feel free to check out all 53 rejected joke videos located on the left side of the website.

Honorable Mention - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-03-13T13:30:00.004-04:00

On Monday, I'll reveal the number one rejected joke video from the website but I felt this next set of jokes deserved at least an honorable mention. The jokes themselves aren't the best (it was near the end of the run when I was running out of jokes...and yes...the first joke barely makes sense) but America's Nick Kroll is hilarious as the special guest.

Honorable Mention -

April '07, Week 4 featuring Nick Kroll (Cavemen, Best Week Ever)

Number 2 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-03-10T00:16:00.008-04:00

Number 2 -

December '06, Week 4 featuring Samm Levine (Freaks and Geeks)

Freaks and Geeks is one of my favorite television shows of all time, so I was psyched that Samm Levine was game to come down and do a guest spot for the website. My favorite part of the short comes after Samm falls and we improvise for a bit. Also, I think December's theme song written and performed by Damon Ketron is straight up bad ass.

Nerdy Fact - To keep with the Freaks and Geeks theme, John Francis Daley (Sam Weir) was going to do a guest spot on the site as well but the timing never worked out.

Number 3 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-03-06T00:59:00.003-05:00

Number 3 -

January '07, Week 3

If math class has taught us anything, it is that Labyrinth reference + fake Jay Leno book cover + floppy vagina joke = automatic top ten.

Number 4 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-02-29T00:36:00.002-05:00

Number 4 -

November '06, Week 4 featuring Frank Whaley (Pulp Fiction, Swimming with Sharks)

Frank Whaley is responsible for writing and directing the movie New York City Serenade which I was lucky enough to act in. After the movie wrapped he came down to UCB and filmed a guest spot for the website. It's great to see a guy who has acted in over sixty movies dance underneath a Gristedes for a few laughs.

NYC Serenade Premiere at the Toronto Film Festival

Also, the Star Jones wedding cake in this set of rejected jokes is one of my favorite Steve Dressler pictures from the website. Look how happy she is that her cake looks like onion rings!

BONUS: Valentine's Break Up OUTTAKES

2008-02-25T14:27:00.006-05:00

Here are some outtakes from the Valentine's Break Up short I did for SuperDeluxe. If you haven't seen the original short yet, check it out here - Valentine's Break Up so the outtakes make a little more sense.

BONUS: Valentine's Break Up OUTTAKES

Here is the video in higher resolution.

Number 5 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-02-22T01:10:00.009-05:00

Number 5 -

July '06, Week 3 featuring Rob Corddry (The Daily Show with Jon Stewart)

As of right now, this is the most popular set of rejected jokes on the site with over 16,500 views. When Rob Corddry, a fellow UCBer, came down to do the guest spot, he warned me that he may leave unexpectedly because his wife was due to have a baby at any second. He was unbelievably nice to find some time to do a joke and it was great to see how excited he was to be a father. I think she ended up having the baby either the next day or later in the week. Watch after the credits for more of Corddry being hilarious.

Nerdy Fact - The theme song for this set of jokes was done by Derrick's Donald Glover. He took audio from a piece CNBC did on the website and mixed it with a beat he put together. This video features two of the three amazing theme songs Donald made for me throughout the timeline of the website. Take a listen to all of Donald's themes here - Theme Song 1, Theme Song 2, Theme song 3.

Number 6 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-02-19T01:10:00.009-05:00

NUMBER 6 -

September '06, Week 2 featuring Matt Walsh (Upright Citizens Brigade, Dog Bites Man)

Since 2003, I have happily spent a good portion of my life watching and performing sketch and improv comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in NY. So, it was a treat to have Matt Walsh, one of the founding members of the Upright Citizens Brigade, on as a special guest for the website.

UCB (L-R) - Matt Walsh, Matt Besser, Ian Roberts, Amy Poehler

Nerdy Fact - All of my rejected jokes were filmed at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in NY. We usually started filming sometime around 12:30AM, recorded a whole month of jokes then picked up the special guest segment whenever we could work it out.

Lastly, the picture within this set of rejected jokes makes it look like DJ Qualls is trying to give me a pound and I'm ignoring him...automatic top ten.

Valentine's Break Up

2008-02-12T00:31:00.009-05:00

My newest video for SuperDeluxe follows a couple on Valentine's Day as they take their relationship to the next level. The embedded player really doesn't do the picture quality justice, so please, click on the link below the video to see the short in the preferred higher resolution.

Click here to see the short in Higher Resolution.

Cast
Ben - Ben Schwartz
Sarah - Sarah Burns
Waiter - Eugene Cordero
Ben's Father - Will Hines
Sue holding up sign - Sue Galloway
Sue's Date - Winston Noel

Everything Else
Director - Ben Schwartz/Vincent Peone
Director of Photography - Vincent Peone
Production Manager - Jordan Hall
Editor - David Fishel
Location - The Cupping Room Cafe

Number 7 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-02-06T23:35:00.001-05:00

NUMBER 7 -

January '07, Week 2

The word molester stays on the screen in this video for a good 25 seconds, warranting it an automatic position in the top ten.

Also, the beginning of this video reminded me of something I wrote for the website in April '06 that used the video game The Legend of Zelda to describe how great instant gratification is. With the power of copy and pasting, I will take you back in time to April 28, 2006, before the first set of rejected jokes was even filmed. (Control C...Control V!!!)

From April '06 -
The Original Legend of Zelda is one of my favorite games of all time. When you start the game, the first thing you do is go into a cave and find a sword. I don't even know what the buttons do yet but when I hold that sword in my hand, I feel as if I have achieved something magnificent. That is instant gratification.

Old Man - "I've never told anyone this before but (starts crying) I want to kill myself. All I do is grow this ridiculous beard and moustache combination, give random things to people then mysteriously dissapear. Nobody even knows my name. Well Link, you know what...It's Albert... my name...is Albert!" (Wipes away tears, neatens robe) "So (beat) It's dangerous to go alone! Take this."

Number 8 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-02-04T15:48:00.000-05:00

NUMBER 8 -

December '06, Week 1

This batch includes one of the many rejected sex jokes told through hand movements. I was told at least one of the "hand sex" jokes had to make it in the top ten...why not make it the one where I sing A Whole New World and call it a shmagina?

Number 9 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-01-31T02:55:00.000-05:00

NUMBER 9 -

August '06, Week 2 featuring Efren Ramirez (Napoleon Dynamite)

Efren was geniunely excited and happy to do a guest spot on the website. Keep watching after the end credits for Efren to say "in the woods" for absolutely no reason. He ended up sticking around and filming two more videos. Here is Efren as Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite plugging rejectedjokes.com.

Finally, here is Efren crashing a different set of rejected jokes, August '06, Week 4 -

A big shout out to Chris Barrett for telling Efren about the website and getting him down to the theatre and a huge thank you to Efren for being the only special guest in rejectedjokes history to film three different videos on the same day.

Number 10 - Top Ten Rejected Joke Videos

2008-01-29T02:39:00.001-05:00

NUMBER 10 -

February '07, Week 3 featuring Seth Green (Family Guy, Austin Powers, Robot Chicken)

I don't think the jokes in this video are the best of the best (the second one barely makes sense) but I wanted to include it in the top ten because of the special guest. When we filmed this guest spot, I was in Los Angeles writing for Robot Chicken. After a long day of writing, I asked my boss, Seth Green, if he would perform a rejected joke for my website and even though he had no time, he found a way to make it happen. This one ended up being one of the most popular videos with over 15,000 views.

Nerdy fact - we filmed Seth's joke at the Shadowmachine offices in one of the studios where they shoot the stop motion sketches for Robot Chicken and Moral Orel. This is the first thing you see when you enter the building.

My heart isn't nearly as terrifying as my left wing.

Taking it Back to the Old School

2008-01-27T02:56:00.000-05:00

Over the next few weeks I'll be posting my top ten favorite rejected joke videos.

This picture entitled "A Notebook Full of Dreams" was in my very first post.

After forcing myself to watch all of the rejected jokes again, I have gained an enormous amount of respect for anyone who has actually watched every one of these videos. I can only assume you must hate my face and/or voice more than anything in the world.

Feel free to comment or email me your personal favorites. Number 10 will premiere early next week.

Hot Sauce Does South Carolina

2008-01-22T23:04:00.000-05:00

Hot Sauce had a great time performing at the Charleston Comedy Festival in South Carolina. A big thank you to The Have Nots for bringing us down and helping out with the everything. We performed to sold-out audiences and got to see our ridiculous faces on the cover of a paper that is found just about everywhere in Charleston.

The least frightening gang in the world. We will snuggle you to death.

This is what we look like when we're trapped in a box.

Here is our write up in the Charleston City Paper - Hot Fuzz.
Now that all three of us are in NY, Hot Sauce is putting together a new sketch show. We should have it all figured out in the next month or so.