Rejected Jokes

The Return of Jean-Ralphio on Parks and Rec

2010-03-05T14:21:00.004-05:00

Last night, Jean-Ralphio, the character I play on NBC's Parks and Rec, made his triumphant return in an intensely funny episode entitled Woman of the Year. This show is so amazing, I'm beyond thrilled to be a part of it. Everyone over there has been so wonderful- writers, producers, actors, sound, hair, make-up, PAs, everyone. Thank you so much. Here are my scenes from yesterday's episode.

Jean-Ralphio: Scene 1

Jean-Ralphio: Scene 2

Mayne Street: John Hancock

2010-03-02T12:10:00.005-05:00

In this episode of Mayne Street, Kenny Mayne signs over Mike Greenberg's name on a celebrity banner and my character, Evan Mintz, is sent in to put everyone in their place.

If the video doesn't work you can watch it on ESPN here.

Mayne Street: Kidnapped

2010-02-23T12:55:00.007-05:00

Here is a new episode of the ESPN web series Mayne Street. This episode features the hilarious Kenny Mayne getting kidnapped by Olympic Curlers. I make an appearance as the VP of ESPN, Evan Mintz, near the end of the short. As always the guys at ESPN were amazing to work with.

Me on the Sarah Silverman Program!!!

2010-02-17T18:49:00.005-05:00

Thursday night at 10:30PM I have a small role on the Sarah Silverman Program on Comedy Central. Thank you to everyone who makes this show so amazing- the writers, actors, production hands, the insanely talented Rob Schrab and an enormous thank you to one of the funniest and warmest human beings on the planet, Big S. By sheer luck, the preview for tomorrow's episode includes my entire scene, watch below!

The Sarah Silverman Program

Preview - TV Show Rejects

www.comedycentral.com

Joke of the Day

Stand-Up Comedy

Free Online Games

Valentine's Break Up

2010-02-12T13:49:00.005-05:00

Here's a short film I made two years ago for Valentine's Day featuring the wonderful Sarah Burns, Eugene Cordero and Will Hines!

And for a little added fun, here are some bloopers from the shoot.

Kickin' it Old School- Debra's Underwear- The Series

2010-02-02T16:06:00.003-05:00

With Valentine's Day coming up, I felt the need to repost an animated series I made a year ago in roughly five minutes- DEBRA'S UNDERWEAR. The original post is below.

December 22, 2008
Someone linked me to a website where you can make your own short films by writing dialogue for animated characters. Five minutes later Debra's Underwear: The Series was born.

Episode 1 - Underwear

Episode 2 - Funeral

Episode 3 - Car Crash

Jake and Amir Couple's Therapist- Behind the Scenes/Bloopers

2010-01-28T13:16:00.007-05:00

Here's a behind the scenes/blooper video from the Jake and Amir Couple's Therapist video I did a few weeks back. If you haven't seen the original you can click here to catch up- JAKE AND AMIR- COUPLE'S THERAPIST. Also here is my first Jake and Amir appearance as their dating coach- JAKE AND AMIR- DATING COACH. The out-takes for that are below as well. I love Jake and Amir, so much fun to sneak in and guest in their web series!

Behind the Scenes from Couple's Therapist

Out-takes from Dating Coach

Me as Jean Ralphio on Parks and Recreation!

2010-01-15T10:49:00.008-05:00

I am a huge fan of the show Parks and Recreation, so you can imagine my absolute joy upon hearing I would be in one of the episodes! "The Set Up", written by the triumphantly talented Katie Dippold, premiered yesterday and was insanely funny. The episode features comedy heavyweights Will Arnett and Justin Theroux as well as the premiere of my character Jean Ralphio! A big thanks to Mike Schur, Katie Dippold, Harris Wittels and all of the other writers and producers on the show who made this possible. I had so much fun! Below is my minute long scene on Hulu.

If the link above is acting weird, you can watch my clip here- JEAN RALPHIO ON PARKS AND RECREATION

I am officially Undercovers

2010-01-14T03:27:00.006-05:00

I am immensely honored and excited to announce that I will be in the upcoming JJ Abrams pilot Undercovers!

Read the article by clicking here- Schwartz in JJ Abrams Pilot Undercovers

Perfect Audition

2010-01-12T23:32:00.007-05:00

Here's a totally improvised short film of me trying to nail an audition. This was filmed as part of the MakingOf interviews a few months back.

Shot and edited by Andy Dulman

Improvised by Ben Schwartz and Neil Campbell

Assorted Jelly Beans- Sweep the Leg

2010-01-08T19:50:00.003-05:00

Here is the fifth installment of Assorted Jelly Beans. The one panel comic written by myself and brilliantly illustrated by Steve Dressler.

Previous Assorted Jelly Beans-

ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz- Jordan Farmar and Matt Kemp

2009-12-27T14:11:00.006-05:00

In this installment of Conversations with Ben Schwartz, I sat down with Los Angeles Lakers point guard Jordan Farmar and Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder Matt Kemp. This was a part of the first set of Conversations for the ESPYs a few months ago.

For more of my ESPN Conversations click on the athletes below.

Nastia Liukin (Gold Medal Gymnast)

Shawne Merriman (Pro Bowl San Diego Charger)

Travis Pastrana (X games/Action sports Super Athlete)

Tony Gonzalez (Future NFL Hall of Famer)

BUY MY BOOKS FOR EVERY HOLIDAY!!!

2009-12-23T14:30:00.003-05:00

My good friend Amanda McCall and I wrote a series of books for Harper Collins and they make the PERFECT stocking/menorah stuffer. You can pick them up at any book store/Urban Outfitters and online at www.SayitwithBabyAnimals.com. Links for amazon are below.

Buy Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals on Amazon

Buy Why is Daddy in a Dress: Asking Awkward Questions with Baby Animals on Amazon

ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz- Travis Pastrana

2009-12-21T14:16:00.003-05:00

In this installment of ESPN's Conversations with Ben Schwartz I sat down with action sports superstar/double back flip innovator Travis Pastrana.

For more of my ESPN Conversations click on the athletes below.

Nastia Liukin (Gold Medal Gymnast)

Shawne Merriman (Pro Bowl San Diego Charger)

Tony Gonzalez (Future NFL Hall of Famer)

Jake and Amir: Couples Therapist!

2009-12-17T15:16:00.004-05:00

Here is the complete two part comedy extravaganza that is Jake and Amir: Couples Therapist. Hilarity is highest if part two is watched immediately after part one.

Here's a link to the other Jake and Amir series I helped out with- DATING COACH.

CH All Nighter III: New Boss

2009-12-11T18:32:00.003-05:00

Once a year CollegeHumor pulls an All-Nighter during finals week and makes twelve videos in twelve hours. We filmed this one in thirty minutes. Thanks to everyone who let me jump in and play around!

Everybody's Fine

2009-12-06T12:08:00.004-05:00

In true bucket list fashion, last year I filmed a scene with Robert De Niro and Kate Beckinsale for the film Everybody's Fine which came out this weekend. The movie stars Robert De Niro, Drew Barrymore, Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell. The entire experience was great. Both De Niro and Beckinsale were amazing/wonderful human beings.

There is a website that for some reason lists the cast in alphabetical order by first name, regardless of how many minutes they were in the movie...which makes me looks like an absolute pimp.

Mayne Street- ESPN LA Tour

2009-11-24T13:18:00.002-05:00

In this episode of Mayne Street, Evan Mintz gives Kenny a tour of the ESPN LA offices and Sarah finds out how we do sports on the west coast.

If the embedded player doesn't work, you can watch the video HERE

Accidentally On Purpose!

2009-11-24T04:39:00.003-05:00

Here are two of my scenes from last night's episode of Accidentally on Purpose. There's a link to the entire episode below the vids.

Click here to watch the full episode

I'm on Accidentally on Purpose this Monday!

2009-11-18T21:13:00.006-05:00

Check out the TV show Accidentally on Purpose this Monday at 8:30PM on CBS to see me play Max, Billie's (Jenna Elfman) rival film critic! Everyone on this show was absolutely amazing- directors/writers/producers/actors/everyone. A big thank you to all of the people who helped out. Here's a sneak peak of the episode from CBS.com.

If the video isn't loading you can CLICK HERE.

Mayne Street - Just Give Me the Tickets

2009-11-17T12:02:00.005-05:00

Here is the latest episode of Mayne Street where my character Evan Mintz thinks that Kenny Mayne has stolen his precious Laker tickets. I linked some episodes of the web series below the video if you want to catch up.

If the video above isn't working you can click HERE to watch it on ESPN.COM.

Previous episodes

Louie's Original

Poker

Golf

FROM THE VAULT- Beard and Mustache Championships are BACK!

2009-11-12T13:24:00.002-05:00

Today my cousin sent me a picture of Hans Gassner (who you will fall in love with below) and I was reminded of the set of interviews I did when I first started this website in April '06 with the contestants of the Beard and Mustache Championships. Over three years later, I felt the need to repost this set of interviews to remind people of the amazing personalities and tireless desire of these great B&M warriors. Enjoy.

International German Beard and Mustache Championships- 5/10/06- Rejectedjokes.com
Once a year our lives are blessed by the competition of all competitions, the International German Beard and Mustache Championships. Through pictures, we follow these athletes year round preparing for the big competition but we rarely get to hear what they have to say. Well BAM (beard and moustache) fans, lucky for you, I flew down to Germany this year and interviewed three of the "heavyweights." Enjoy.

Hans Gassner

Ben: Hans, you are looking good this year.
Hans: Thank you Ben.
Ben: Why do you participate in the competition every year?
Hans: I'm sorry?
Ben: I said, why do you participate in the competition every year?
Hans: No one has ever asked me that before...I don't know.
Ben: Oh.
Hans: Why the fuck do I do this?
Ben: I don't know for notoriety and respect?
Hans: How much respect do you have for 60+ year old men that grow their beards out all year so they can wax them in ridiculous formations for a stupid competition that no one knows about?
Ben: Well...
Hans: And, I've never won before, so I'm just a crazy bearded loser. Ben, how much respect do you have for crazy bearded losers?
Ben: I respect you.
Hans: Fuck off! Respect these nuts! You aren't even going to remember me. You are going to remember the show boating fuck that made his beard look like a Bud Light bottle.
Ben: C'mon Hans, calm down.
Hans: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!!!(Hans takes the lav microphone out of his beard and storms off)

Willi Chevalier

Ben: Willi, I love what you've done for this year's Beard and Mustache Championships.
Willi: This years what?
Ben: Beard and mustache championships.
Willi: Never heard of it.
Ben: So your beard is like this every day of the year?
Willi: GET OFF MY PORCH JEW!!!
(Willi picks up his gun and shoots at Ben. For the next 45 minutes Willi chases Ben around his house while the music from Benny Hill plays in the background.)

Elmar Weiss

Ben: Elmar, you look fantastic. You managed to turn your beard into a windmill!
Elmar: That's right Ben, my beard generates the energy it takes to make me smile.
Ben: Haha, very cute Elmar.
Elmar: Haha, I wish there was something cute about it but when this things not turning, it's like I'm a totally different person.
Ben: Haha, you are a riot Elmar.
(The wind stops)
Elmar: If I was going to kill you, I would cut from the neck down, that way the rest of your body would be stained with blood while I was deciding what to cut next.
Ben: Elmar?
Elmar: I would then take your beaten blood stained corpse and stick my hard cock in the incisions making your body spew blood all over my balls while I fucked it.
Ben:...
(Elmar takes a knife out of his beard)
Elmar: C'mon pussy, you wanna get cut fucked by King Elmar?
Ben:...
(Wind picks up again)
Elmar: Can I say hello to my grandkids Eleanor and Michael?
Ben:...
Elmar: Poppy loves you guys, don't stay up too late. Kisses.

Just a little under 365 days till next year's BAM championships.

Mayne Street is Back for Season 3

2009-11-03T05:33:00.004-05:00

The third season of Mayne Street is up and running. The series follows ESPN's Kenny Mayne. I play his boss Evan Mintz. Here's a promo of what to expect this season.

TEDDY SAW IS BACK!

2009-10-22T21:22:00.005-04:00

Halloween is a week away and Saw VI is coming out in three hours, so I figured now is the best time to re-release the most fucked up short film I've ever made- TEDDY SAW. The mistakes you made as a child haunt your life forever. How much blood will you shed to stay alive?

Teddy Saw

Making Of Interview: Auditions

2009-10-16T19:58:00.002-04:00

Here's another segment from my interview with the wonderful people at MakingOf.com. In this piece, they cut together interview segments on acting and auditioning for the movies Everybody's Fine and Peep World. Just to warn, the interviews on MakingOf aren't comedy sketches, they are more like 60 minutes for people interested in the entertainment field. Also, like before, don't adjust your settings, I'm just talking way too fast.

Here is the link for the first interview about writing for the Oscars- MakingOf Interview on writing for the Oscars.